D.C. Golfing

Golfing itself is ridiculous, as well described by the brilliant comedy of Robin Williams, so I need not decribe that aspect of the game.  Golf courses though are even more absurd, especially when placed in the middle of a desert or city.  I hate Palm Springs for hogging water to turn their ugly desert into a fake oasis, and there are hundreds of more examples.  Then there are the cities where they take up large tracts of land and unlike parks are not beautiful nor free.  Golf courses should only exist in remote, wet areas of the planet, such as Scotland.

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Me Trying to Figure Out How to Keep Score

I have gone golfing a few times in my 34 years on this planet.  Mostly with my grandfather but once with a friend in Washington D.C.  For being near the middle of the heavily built up and expensive capitol the fees were very reasonable.  The course itself is on an island between the Potomac River and Washington Channel in South-West D.C.

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Cruising in Front of the Washington Monument

The golf carried on much as golf always carries on with amateurs.  Lumps of green and brown grass flying, white rocks hooking and slicing through the air in all directions but that which is intended.  Looking through trees and ponds for lost balls and finding multiple other balls but never your own.  The awkward stares from the business men stuck behind you because they are always on the course playing instead of doing any actual business.

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A Huey Checking to Make Sure of Nicks Putt

Our day was a cloudless beautiful day.  Warm weather, the birds singing, the grass a fine green hue, and old white people as far as the eye could see.  I was the darkest person on the course because of my tan, but that is another story altogether.

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Posing as we go

The most enjoyable aspect of golfing, as everyone knows, is the golf cart.  Why they are so much fun to drive is one of the mysteries of the world.  It may be because the game itself is so boring that driving a slow top heavy cart feels exhilarating.  But no, that cannot be.  They are also a hoot to drive at resorts.  I recommend government financing to find out why golf carts are so enjoyable.

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This Washington D.C. golf course does have an inch up on most other courses, and that is the view.  From certain areas you can see the capitol, which is nice, though you get a much better view from the Mall and that is free and also much nicer.  Another benefit is the government helicopters always flying over.  They add a relaxing respite from the monotony of golfing.

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Helicopters Were the Best Part of Golfing

My friend, Nick, and I played our game all day and enjoyed ourself.  Once Nick even managed to get within a few inches of the hole from a long ways away.  I would guess maybe 500 meters.  That moment was the highlight of our day.  We even took a picture to capture the moment as it is probably rarely accomplished, even by professionals.

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Nicks World Famous Chip(or Whatever it is Called)

So there we are.  One day of my life I spent golfing in Washington D.C.  It left no imprint on my mind and the only way I remember any of it is through the pictures I have left.

The Best Night Out Ever

Location: Washington D.C.

Time: See title

I was about three weeks into the Washington D.C. Fire academy as a new hire firefighter.  Two of my fellow recruits decided to join me for a night out at a wonderful Irish pub.  Now let us get some facts straight.  Guys go out to pubs, bars and clubs for two reasons.  To get drunk and pick up chicks(or guys if that is your thing).  Girls on the other hand go out to network, be seen and flirted with, or just hang out.

So the three of us go out.  My name is David, and then there is Mark and Joe.  Mark and I have no problem talking to girls, but Joe is shy.  So we decide to work as a team and help Joe pick up a girl tonight.  No problem.  We spend the first hour or so chatting about work and drinking some nice beers.  None of of that watery garbage.  I’ve always been high class.  Newcastle at minimum.  Once the pub has filled up we start looking around.  Joe points out the object of his attraction and I move in for the kill.  I’ve always hated small talk and prefer off the wall conversations but the majority of the public disagrees with me so I stick to the usual script.  After five minutes we have a good but boring conversation going and I direct her over to where my friends are sitting and we join them.  So now the four of us are having a little chat.  Slowly Mark and I direct our attention away from the conversation and Joe and his mark begin a nice one on one.


Fast forward a few hours.  Joe is still carrying on very well while Mark and I are getting quite worse for wear.  The pub is now a slow motion blur in my mind.  Our lady friend excuses herself for a moment and Joe leans over the table to tell us she will be going home with him.  “Excellent” we both say before going back to our glasses.

Our lady friend returns and a little conversation starts up.  I’m not sure what it is about mostly because somebody appears to have unkindly put cotton balls in my ears, but no matter.  I concentrate to the best of my ability and realize she is talking to me(after she lightly slapped me on the cheek).  I catch the words “Do you like guacamole?”  For some reason this set me off.  I reply clear as a bell “Hell no I don’t like guacamole”, reach over the table, and slap her in the face.  She quickly stands up, spilling her beer into her purse, and walks straight out the door.  Joe starts cracking up.  He says “You know what, I should be pissed at you right now, but that might have been the funniest thing I have ever seen.”

But I was not to escape that night events so easily.  The next day at the academy saw crawled across my locker in huge letters the words “Hell no I don’t like guacamole.”